The Dreamer

What I am about to say may come as a shock to many of you...

So rather than embellishing the statement with poetic words, I am going to say this rather bluntly:

I am having an affair with my husband.

Yes, Yes, Yes, I am.

Pick your jaws up, I am human. 

And as much as I would love to say that I am remorseful, 

I am not, actually. 

On the contrary, I rather enjoy my rendezvous with my lover. 

I have known my lover for a long time. He has been a close friend of mine for nearly 6 years. Despite the length of time we have known each other, this affair has began only recently. And we rarely have time to meet as my life is on such a tight schedule. I am not sure what his life is like whenever he isn't around me and I try not to question him because when he is around me, I feel whole. I feel complete. And when he is around, nothing matters but the fact that we are together and for the moment, there is absolutely nothing wrong in my world. I think I am falling in love with this man.

Many of you are probably asking yourselves how I manage to find the time to engage in such adulterous activity; believe me, it isn't easy, but it is so worth it. We seldom have time to plan out when we are going to meet and although I am a self proclaimed "Type A" personality, I love that I am surprised by our encounters because I have learned to embrace the spontaneity. 

Our first encounter was one that was beautiful--it was on Memorial Day. I had spent the day tending to Donte (i.e., changing his diapers, getting him dressed, feeding him, making sure he was comfortable, cleaning our room, and washing clothing) and catching up on work. Donte had just fallen asleep and I had just closed my work laptop and set it on my dresser. I came to my bed and threw myself on the mattress with physical and mental exhaustion.

Then I closed my eyes...

And there he was in bed with me.

I looked at him intently as if to collect a mental picture; to memorize as much as I could so that I could have something seemingly tangible to hold on to until our next encounter. 

His skin was so soft and of medium brown complexion. Absolutely gorgeous. His eyes were nearly black in color and mysteriously honest;with them, he could look at you and tell you everything and nothing at the all at once. His eyelashes were so long and beautiful as they laced together each time he blinked. Typically he wears his glasses (he has quite possibly the worst vision known to man), but this time he had contacts in, which I loved because our gaze wasn't intercepted by a wall of glass and plastic. His bone structure was flawless; I think he might have modeled in a past life. His lips were perfect match to mine; they were soft and gentle. He didn't have the straightest teeth, but his smile alone was the sunrise in my dark world. He was a breath of the freshest air I had tasted since January 26th. He is rather slender, but muscular; 5'9" and 140 lbs soaking wet. He is very well dressed and loves to keep himself up. He was clean cut and shaved and everything down to the shoe laces on his outfit matched immaculately.  

We just laid side by side, facing one and other. His stare just as intent as mine. He took his left hand and grabbed my right hand and took his right hand and caressed my cheek. His hand was so warm and although his caress was as light as a feather to my cheek, I felt the depth behind his touch. He missed me; I am not sure where he goes when we aren't around each other, but wherever he finds himself during our times apart, he mutually misses me, as I do him. As he completed the stroke of my cheek with his right hand, he said "Hey honey.."

It had seemed like ages since I had heard him utter a word and I was surprised to hear the simultaneous depth and softness to his voice. His voice was so much more vivid then what I had remembered it to be. I hesitated to respond because I was so amazed by the beauty in his articulation of those three syllables. It was truly musical to hear him..the real him. The him that I had known 6 years prior. And all he simply said was "hey honey.." As if nothing in my life had changed that drastically. I love that about our encounters because it makes me feel so normal; normalcy has been a craving of mine for some time now. 

I whispered, "hey..." in return.

Suddenly I was overcome with emotion. I was in awe of his presence and captivated by the momentary perfection of my life. I attempted to hold back the tears but they gushed down my face like an overflowing dam. Each tear was the weight of the world and as I looked at him, I could tell instantaneously that each tear that I shed pierced him like a bullet. 

"I'm sorry Kelli..." he whispered as he used his right hand to gently wipe my tears. "you are strong..." he continued "please don't give up hope.."

He has always been the most hopeful person I know. I am not sure if I ever told him, but I envy that of him. For as long as I have known him, he has always had such a belief in life itself. I always called him my "dreamer" and he always called me his "realist."

"I know, but it's so hard," I responded softly, while nearly choking on my tears. "I feel so alone..."

Suddenly he sat up, still holding my left hand and pulled me up to face him. We both stared at each other intently again. Our gaze was a gaze that went beyond this universe. He is the only man who could look into my eyes and see my soul and I, in turn, could see his. 

He picked up both of his hands and pressed them on my face and brought our foreheads together, as if he were trying to send me every bit of strength pulsating through his body.

"you are not alone Kelli..." he whispered, "I am always with you..."

He pressed his velvet soft lips against mine passionately, as if he were trying to pierce my soul with the depth of his single kiss. 

I missed his kiss so much. I let out a sigh of ecstasy and muttered his name "Donte.."

And as we pulled away from one and other I opened my eyes to stare back into the mysteriously honest, near black colored eyes of my lover and, to my surprise, there was no one there. Suddenly, I was back in bed, alone and everything was as it was when I left for my rendezvous. My face was still moist from the tears I had shed with my lover and as I grazed my lips with my right hand, I could still feel the warmth and passion from his kiss. Although I was so saddened that this blissful moment had come to an end, I could not help but be excited for future encounters with this perfect man of my dreams. 

Yes- my affair on my husband is with, none other than, my husband. Lately I have found myself having vivid daydreams about things as they were and although I am thankful to have my husband present with me in the current moment, I still miss him in a number of ways that I would not even be able to detail on this blog. So I have began living for these moments, while letting each moment carry me on until the next one. 

I think Kanye West said it best:

"Last night I saw you in my dreams, now I can't wait to go to sleep because this life, it's all a dream. And my real life starts, when I go to sleep..."

Stay SAFE, Stay STRONG, Take CARE and Have HOPE!

Kelli

Discharge pictures and videos from Rehab!

Just wanted to share a couple of pictures and videos of Donte and his progress. These pictures and videos were taken on the Donte's day of discharge: May 15, 2013. There is a video of him walking up some stairs with the assistance of his physical therapist at Wake Medical Hospital, Heather. There are two videos of my parents practicing transfers from wheelchair to the bed during their family training. There are some photos of Donte and I with his physical therapist, Heather, his occupational therapist, Andrea, his recreational therapist, Portia and his case manager, Melissa. Together they were a team of individuals how lead and kept my husband on a road to greatness. They will never be able to fathom the appreciation I have for them because since Donte joined the rehab center, he has just excelled in his progression. In addition their are some photos of Donte and I attempting to walk up the stairs (please notice the ease with which his physical therapist assists him in comparison to the sheer worry on my face as I am assisting him). There are also a few photos of Donte's arrival at home..

I hope that you enjoy these! There will definitely be more videos to com as he continues to make gains.

Thank you for the love and support!
Stay SAFE, Stay STRONG, Take CARE and HAVE HOPE!
Kelli

Adjustments

I am not sure if this is common for TBI experiences, but I feel like I am in a bit of a time warp. Tomorrow, will mark a week since my husband's homecoming and, in many ways, I feel like this week has both sped and crawled by simultaneously. My family, by no means, has found a new "normal;" rather I feel like this week has been a blissful hysteria, to say the least. And, I only say blissful because I think regardless of what the current frustration is, above anything else, we are just overjoyed to have Donte home.

In the past week I have travelled with all of Donte's equipment (which is a BITCH...yes, I said it), I have traded in my cute purses and clutches for a diaper back equipped with everything I need should Donte have an accident, I have changed about 30-40 Diapers, I have gone from doctors appointments to appointments with the Veteran's Affairs Department, I have sprained my wrist, I have hurt my back, I have dealt with severe mood swings, I have had to administer and keep track of pretty intense medication, and I have done all of that WITHOUT giving up my stillettos (I was not giving up every part of me..).

People ask me all the time: "How are things going?" or "How are you and Donte doing?"

I never really know how to answer that because I don't really know what the people who ask want to hear. Do they want me to tell them that everything is good and that Donte is improving tremendously (which he is) and just leave it at that OR, do they want to hear about the struggle that it is to deal with this brain injury on a day to day basis, regardless of the gains that he makes daily or weekly?

Do they want to hear about how I have to get my day started an hour and a half earlier than I used to because my husband requires a morning dose of medicine that includes 5 pills, he requires me to dress him and change him, requires 2 people to assist him down the stairs, requires me to groom him and pack his bag for his day at the adult care facility that I have placed him in?

Do they want to hear about the 17 trips I have to make to the car and back because I have to bring Donte's foot braces, his two arm braces, his palm protector, his helmet, his bookbag for daycare, the arm rest for his wheelchair, and my diaper bag?

Do they want to hear about the struggle it is to disesemble and re-esemble a 35 lb. custom made wheelchair and lug it around in the trunk of your vehicle?

Do they want to hear about how practically every moment of every day has to be planned efficiently so that Donte is able to shower, get all of his medication, get any additional grooming (e.g., haircut, shaving, acne treatments) taken care of and still have enough time to relax, watch television and get to sleep at an appropriate time?

Do they want to hear about the fact that I am totally feeling like Rachel McAdams in the Time Traveler's Wife because my husband comes back to me during spur of the moment times? I would not say that Donte's personality was affected in that he has completely changed from who he was; I would say that the not so favorable aspects of his personality have been exaggerated. For example, Donte has a SHORT fuse now. I mean he always had a relatively short fuse, with me any way, but now, I would say his fuse is non-existant. It really does not take much to get him upset. And now, with his new found loss of a filter, anything and everything is liable to come out of his mouth when he is upset. I cannot count on all the fingers in the world how many times I have been called a bitch and an asshole in the past week; both very true statements, and there is no disputing that, but the word "bitch" was a word that Donte refused to use in the same sentence with my name, which makes it all the more hurtful when it is one of the first things to come out of his mouth now. In addition, Donte's need to have the last word in every conversation. Regardless of whether your story is entirely truthful down to the last detail, Donte will find a way to interject with something that you have paraphrased incorrectly or butchered all together. In most cases, this amuses me, but it can be just a little irritating at times. Donte's ability to remind has always been phenomenal and it is something that I have always cherished. That has stayed relatively the same since the injury, however, now that he struggles with organization, he cannot combine all of his reminders in to one category and say it all at once, so I usually end up with about 22 text messages or phone calls, with each one giving me one reminder. Over time, I imagine that will get better.

Do they want to hear about the struggle it is to get social security and disability benefits for a 26 year old OR how long of a process it has been with Veteran's Affairs? Do they want to hear about how many hours I spent on the phone trying to get appointments or have my husbands story heard?

I guess the shortest answer to the obscure question is that Donte and I are not okay, and I think at this point, we are okay with that. We have a long journey and although I wish that I could say that his homecoming was the "magic wand" we were missing to make all of our problems and tribulations disappear, that was most certainly not the case by any means. Donte and I are relearning each other, we are growing together, we are laughing and crying togeher and we are going to be doing this for a long time and it may very well be something that we are dealing with for the rest of our lives. But we will be okay, because I know that I am not settling for anything less than that. My husband survived a grave injury. And whenever I bring him around any doctor knowledgeable on the lobes that he injured they are avidly impressed with my husbands current state 4 months post trauma. That has GOT to mean something, people. I have said this before and will say it again: my husband has an innate ability to prove people wrong. And I have the innate ability to drag myself and anyone else that needs dragging through any storm, and I intend this situation to be no different.

Many woman believe their husbands are one in a million (and I am not saying their husbands aren't), but I now have statistical data that solidifies that my husband actually is one in a million. And I know in my heart that we are destined for greatness. Donte told me once that some of the greatest stories of success are spawned from the most horrible of tragedies. I believe now that when he said that to me, that was a message from God to me, and I heard every word.

Stay SAFE, Stay STRONG, Take CARE and Have HOPE!

Kelli

PS: stay tuned for future blogs because I am going to try to upload some pictures and a video from Donte's departure from the hospital.

Welcome Home!

Well, the day finally arrived..

It has been a excruciatingly long and grueling 4.5 months, but my husband is FINALLY back home. Honestly, all I can just be is thankful. Am I still nervous about the journey that lies ahead, the future bumps in the road, yes I am. But at the end of the day, atleast Donte and I still have a journey to travel on together. Our journey together could have ended on the early hours of January 26, 2013, but they didn't. Whatever hardships we have in the times that lay ahead, we have already over come the hardest of the hard (in my opinion) and we still never hit the worst of the worst (meaning death). And we will always be on this journey together, which is all that matters in the end.

I arrived with both of my parents at Wake Medical Trauma Hospital at 8:50 am. We stood in the hospital until 11:30. We met with his case manager, his physical therapist, his occupational therapist, his recreational therapist and his physicians assistant for some last minute trainings, bids of farewell and discharge instructions. Donte was prescribed about 11 medications to take daily; from what I am told only 3 are lifelong medications, which in my opinion is not that bad considering the injury he sustained and considering the fact that I, myself, am on 1 lifelong medication for anxiety.

As we loaded up the car and got Donte into the front seat, all he could do was smile from ear to ear because he was elated to be leaving the hospital after a nearly 1/2 year long stay. Donte stated that he wanted to eat at Dairy Queen and he ordered a chicken tender basket with a strawberry banana smoothie.

Once we got home we got him into the house and he ate his food and thoroughly enjoyed it. He took a little power nap for about 1/2 an hour and we were off to an appointment with the VA (Veteran's Affairs) Department. His appointment went well and left me hopeful that the military will cover the expenses to modify our home and make it handicap/wheelchair accessible. The meeting lasted an extremely long time and by the end of it all, both Donte and I were pooped, as were my parents. We drove home and picked up some dinner and had our first family meal together in four months in Donte and my bedroom. Donte seemed to really be relaxed and enjoyed himself. It took him absolutely no time at all to revisit social media through his electronic devices. By the time I had sat him on the couch and left him with my mother to run over to Target to pick up some necessary items, he had already liked all of my recent photos on Instagram, had updated his status and cover photo on Facebook and had commented on a couple of my posts on Facebook. His ability to work technology has definitely not changed at all, thankfully.

I can say honestly that manuvering Donte was not nearly as hard as I anticipated that it would be. Donte walked up the stairs with the assitance of my parents, he sat comfortably in the room and didn't complain of pain and he only needed to be changed once during the night- and from what I could tell, he slept the duration of the night. Administering his medication was not bad either. Most of them need to be administered 3 times daily, so I figure once in the morning, once at lunch and once at dinner. Those that need to be administered twice daily will get administered once in the morning and once in the evening and those that need to be administered once daily will get administered in the morning.

It felt really good to not sleep alone. And Donte held me for as long as he could. He may have changed a little bit, but the biggest fact that remains is that he still is the kindest and warmest individual I have ever met and he still has such a big heart. 

I am so excited to have him home. And I get more excited to see his level of excitement when he is at home.

In addition, one thing that is making the transition easier is the fact that Donte and I have so much love and support from areas that sometimes we are not even aware of. I made a post on Facebook about basic necessities that we would need to cover us until Donte's military benefits kicked into full gear and I have received SO MUCH positive feedback and generosity. It is beautiful to see God's love in so many people. And seeing the love and support from those around us truely keeps me strong during my weakest of moments. If you are someone who has helped, supported or loved us in any way- let me just take the time to thank YOU immensely. It is through faith, a lot of prayer, love and support that Donte and I have made it this far. All I ask is that you continue to do exactly what you are doing because it is helping in more ways than you can imagine in my husband's recovery.

Stay SAFE, Stay STRONG, Take CARE and have HOPE!

Kelli

Cold Feet

Have I ever mentioned that I am what people call a "type A" personality?
What does that mean, right?

Well- to say the least I like control. I like to manage every detail of me life. I cannot live without my planner. Spontaneity and Ambiguity scare me, as does the unknown. Basically, I like a schedule; a strict, detail, thoroughly thought out schedule. I also like answers. If I don't find an answer that satisfies me, I will go through the most grueling lengths to get one that does; I will research extensively, talk to professionals, attempt to conduct my own research experiment, etc. I have a logical mind; if A plus B does not equal C, my mind is perplexed. I cannot comprehend anything other than what makes sense (in my own mind).

That being said, this situation has been difficult for me in numerous facets. I mean aside from the fact that my husband shot himself and I bore witness to that, I was completely catapulted from my comfortable and carefully planned out life, to a life that was spun entirely out of control. I have definitely been off my element. Planning is a luxury with an injury of this capacity and it is the type of injury where surprises, both good and bad, are always close around the corner.

As Donte breaches his last day in the hospital (which is tomorrow, by the way), I find myself feeling overjoyed and overwhelmed simultaneously. It has certainly been a long 1/2 year and I have been longing to share a bed and even a meal with my husband, in our home. I am excited to no longer have to see him in a hospital gown or squeeze myself beside him in a hospital bed. I am excited to no longer have intimate moments be interrupted by a scheduled meal of the day, therapy or medicine dose from a nurse. I am excited to be able to give my husband the care that he needs (not to say that the hospital has not done a phenomenal job of caring for him, because they have, but there is nothing like a homecooked meal or getting a bath from someone who knows you and knows how to accomodate you best). Although I am feeling all of those wonderful feelings, I am also quite anxious over it. I have spent the past 1/2 year acclimating myself to being alone. I now sleep in the middle of the bed, I pay all of the bills on my own, I am now the sole provider, the sole driver, the sole manager of finances. Essentially, I suppose you can say on that forefront, I have the "Type A" personality ideal: I have full control. The point is that is not how I was used to things being. That was a "new normal" for me. That was a major adjustment. It has taken me until just recently to get used to my life as it was while Donte was in the hospital. Now, I have to re-adjust all over again; it is unsettling.

In addition, and I hate to admit this, Donte being in the hospital has allowed me to blanket myself with denial. Since I don't have to see him and care for him everyday, I just pretend that he is on a business trip or working late, rather than being admitted in the hospital with a GSW to the head experiencing severe deficits in planning, motor skills, organization, initiation, problem solving and executive functioning. With him coming home, I will have to begin to accept that this is real. This is really my life at 23 years old. That is an epic concept for me. My mind cannot process it because this is a situation where A plus B doesn't equal C. If A plus B equaled C, then that would mean Kelli plus Donte would equal a home in Charlotte, NC with both of us having phenomenal jobs, he and I trying and successfully beginning a family with three children, named Saydi, Jordyne and Javier and two dogs named Blue and Magenta (I told you I was thorough in planning). But A plus B equals Z in our present scenario; Z because this is the last possible situation that I could have ever imagined us to be in at this time.

I am so nervous to go into this next phase. And I hope we find, whatever our "new normal" is quickly. I am not sure how many times I can re-start before I lose my mind entirely. I keep praying that one day Donte just checks back in and is 100% coherent. He has his moments right now, and to most he may seem like he is there, but I can see through that. I knew my husband like my right hand and I have a keen eye to the changes. What would seem minimal to the average person interacting with him is magnified in my perception because I know his spirit and soul.

For the moment, thankfully things are slowly starting to arrange themselves. I found an Adult Day Care facility for Donte. I am hoping that this facility is temporary because I am hoping that Donte will improve to the point of "out growing" the facility. Initially, I thought I was going to have to pay out of pocket for the expenses, which was a hefty cost, to say the least. Recently, I have been informed that due to Donte's status as a Veteran, he will be covered 100% for 5 days a week (Praise God!). We will also be able to get counseling, free of charge and hopefully, the military will pay to have our home made to be handicap accessible as it is not currently (that is the current battle with the military).

Let me take the time to say this- and this is for anyone going through a similar sitation with a verteran or a soldier in any capacity:
The military can be helpful, but they are in no way forth coming with that help. They will attempt to make you jump through unnecessary hoops and some of the representatives will not be any help to you at all. DO NOT be afraid to be abbrasive, because you have to be. DO NOT be afraid to ask to speak to higher ups, DO NOT be afraid to light a fire, because if you light a fire, you will burn the world to ashes.

Stay STRONG, Stay SAFE, Take CARE and HAVE HOPE!
Kelli

Updated Pictures

I haven't posted any recent pictures of us lately and figured in an effort to catch up, it would probably be best. I think that if Donte can heal physically and mentally the way that he is healing cosmetically, we would be in phenomenal shape! The first picture, I am absolutely in love with.

Transitional Living Suite (TLS)

As promised, I advised that I would be playing catch up.

Donte has made some pretty significant gains since he first entered the rehab hospital. When he first entered the rehab hospital he was unable to assist with most of his movements, his tone was so severe that his left arm was bent at a 85 degree angle, he was able to talk, but he would only answer yes or no questions and was speaking in a very soft whisper. Donte still had his feeding tube in and was still on a restricted diet, where he was only allowed to eat soft solids. Donte was unable to hold his trunk balance and had very minimal awareness of his body. Donte is now doing most of his movements at a moderate assistance level (where he is doing 50% of the work) or a minimal assistance (where he is doing 75% of the work). Donte is still unable to walk, but he is definitely making gains that are assisting in the completion of that goal. Donte's tone has gone down such that the degree to which his left arm is bent is now at 35 degrees. Donte is now able to communicate more complex thoughts and feelings and follow more complex demands. He is still struggling with volume but he is a lot louder than a whisper and sometimes, if he gets really excited or frustrated, he can demonstrate the appropriate volume level for such a sentiment. Donte is on a diet with no restrictions and is able to order what he would like to eat daily with minimal assistance. His feeding tube was removed and he has put on a lot of weight since he came up to the rehab hosiptal. I am very proud of the gains my husband has made and how hard he continues to work each and every day. He is truly, the strongest person I know.

Not sure if I mentioned this, but Donte has gotten a relead date of May 15, 2013. We were so grateful when we received that tentative date because that gave us something to count down to. And I am not sure I ever mentioned this, but as a type A personality, I can tell you that I had already planned for Donte to come home by May 31, 2013 based on the average stay in the hospital with someone who sustains a severe TBI. I was happy to know that A) I was not too far off and B) that he would be coming home sooner than I anticipated. And I know it is no surprise that Donte is just about as elated as a kid in a candy store. He has been keeping the BEST count of the days he has left and never forgets to remind me as soon as I come into his room for my daily visit.

Since Donte's arrival is just around the corner, Donte's case manager has made the wonderful suggestion of us utilizing what is called the Transitional Living Suite or TLS. The TLS is an apartment styled space within the hospital that allows couples like Donte and I to get a taste for life outside of the hospital, while still having access to nursing and doctors should something happen. During our stay, we were responsible for his medication, washing clothing, toileting, showering, cooking and cleaning and transfering from wheelchair to bed or sofa.

I am not going to lie and say that this was not difficult, especially since last time I was in an "apartment setting" with Donte, he was able to do everything for himself. What I will say is that I had mentally prepared myself for the absolute worse, which kind of made things a bit easier. The hardest thing for us, was the transfer into the shower. We could not get a grip on the shower chair and we both got really frustrated. But, this is all part of the process. I am sure that similar to the way marriage is for everyone, we will have moments where we laugh together, moments where we cry together, and moments were we yell together. The point is, we are in this together, right?

And for those of you that know me on a personal level, know that I am not the "cooking" type in any facet. I want to let you know that I, Kelliann Miranda-Baltimore, made tacos AND my tacos, were good as hell. And Donte Miranda-Baltimore (my husband) ate the HELL out of those tacos. Now, whether he ate them like that because it was his first home cooked meal in a while and because he was sick and tired of hospital food...well we will never truly know that answer but, the point is he ate the tacos, he said they were good, and no one got sick. LOL.

We are scheduled to do another TLS stay this weekend as by this time next week, Donte will be at home. I will keep you guys posted on how that one goes, although I anticipate with one TLS stay under our belt, this one will be a breeze.

Donte has requested French Toast, lol- I will let you know how that one goes too.

Stay SAFE, Stay STRONG, Take CARE and Have HOPE!

Kelli