The Dreamer

What I am about to say may come as a shock to many of you...

So rather than embellishing the statement with poetic words, I am going to say this rather bluntly:

I am having an affair with my husband.

Yes, Yes, Yes, I am.

Pick your jaws up, I am human. 

And as much as I would love to say that I am remorseful, 

I am not, actually. 

On the contrary, I rather enjoy my rendezvous with my lover. 

I have known my lover for a long time. He has been a close friend of mine for nearly 6 years. Despite the length of time we have known each other, this affair has began only recently. And we rarely have time to meet as my life is on such a tight schedule. I am not sure what his life is like whenever he isn't around me and I try not to question him because when he is around me, I feel whole. I feel complete. And when he is around, nothing matters but the fact that we are together and for the moment, there is absolutely nothing wrong in my world. I think I am falling in love with this man.

Many of you are probably asking yourselves how I manage to find the time to engage in such adulterous activity; believe me, it isn't easy, but it is so worth it. We seldom have time to plan out when we are going to meet and although I am a self proclaimed "Type A" personality, I love that I am surprised by our encounters because I have learned to embrace the spontaneity. 

Our first encounter was one that was beautiful--it was on Memorial Day. I had spent the day tending to Donte (i.e., changing his diapers, getting him dressed, feeding him, making sure he was comfortable, cleaning our room, and washing clothing) and catching up on work. Donte had just fallen asleep and I had just closed my work laptop and set it on my dresser. I came to my bed and threw myself on the mattress with physical and mental exhaustion.

Then I closed my eyes...

And there he was in bed with me.

I looked at him intently as if to collect a mental picture; to memorize as much as I could so that I could have something seemingly tangible to hold on to until our next encounter. 

His skin was so soft and of medium brown complexion. Absolutely gorgeous. His eyes were nearly black in color and mysteriously honest;with them, he could look at you and tell you everything and nothing at the all at once. His eyelashes were so long and beautiful as they laced together each time he blinked. Typically he wears his glasses (he has quite possibly the worst vision known to man), but this time he had contacts in, which I loved because our gaze wasn't intercepted by a wall of glass and plastic. His bone structure was flawless; I think he might have modeled in a past life. His lips were perfect match to mine; they were soft and gentle. He didn't have the straightest teeth, but his smile alone was the sunrise in my dark world. He was a breath of the freshest air I had tasted since January 26th. He is rather slender, but muscular; 5'9" and 140 lbs soaking wet. He is very well dressed and loves to keep himself up. He was clean cut and shaved and everything down to the shoe laces on his outfit matched immaculately.  

We just laid side by side, facing one and other. His stare just as intent as mine. He took his left hand and grabbed my right hand and took his right hand and caressed my cheek. His hand was so warm and although his caress was as light as a feather to my cheek, I felt the depth behind his touch. He missed me; I am not sure where he goes when we aren't around each other, but wherever he finds himself during our times apart, he mutually misses me, as I do him. As he completed the stroke of my cheek with his right hand, he said "Hey honey.."

It had seemed like ages since I had heard him utter a word and I was surprised to hear the simultaneous depth and softness to his voice. His voice was so much more vivid then what I had remembered it to be. I hesitated to respond because I was so amazed by the beauty in his articulation of those three syllables. It was truly musical to hear him..the real him. The him that I had known 6 years prior. And all he simply said was "hey honey.." As if nothing in my life had changed that drastically. I love that about our encounters because it makes me feel so normal; normalcy has been a craving of mine for some time now. 

I whispered, "hey..." in return.

Suddenly I was overcome with emotion. I was in awe of his presence and captivated by the momentary perfection of my life. I attempted to hold back the tears but they gushed down my face like an overflowing dam. Each tear was the weight of the world and as I looked at him, I could tell instantaneously that each tear that I shed pierced him like a bullet. 

"I'm sorry Kelli..." he whispered as he used his right hand to gently wipe my tears. "you are strong..." he continued "please don't give up hope.."

He has always been the most hopeful person I know. I am not sure if I ever told him, but I envy that of him. For as long as I have known him, he has always had such a belief in life itself. I always called him my "dreamer" and he always called me his "realist."

"I know, but it's so hard," I responded softly, while nearly choking on my tears. "I feel so alone..."

Suddenly he sat up, still holding my left hand and pulled me up to face him. We both stared at each other intently again. Our gaze was a gaze that went beyond this universe. He is the only man who could look into my eyes and see my soul and I, in turn, could see his. 

He picked up both of his hands and pressed them on my face and brought our foreheads together, as if he were trying to send me every bit of strength pulsating through his body.

"you are not alone Kelli..." he whispered, "I am always with you..."

He pressed his velvet soft lips against mine passionately, as if he were trying to pierce my soul with the depth of his single kiss. 

I missed his kiss so much. I let out a sigh of ecstasy and muttered his name "Donte.."

And as we pulled away from one and other I opened my eyes to stare back into the mysteriously honest, near black colored eyes of my lover and, to my surprise, there was no one there. Suddenly, I was back in bed, alone and everything was as it was when I left for my rendezvous. My face was still moist from the tears I had shed with my lover and as I grazed my lips with my right hand, I could still feel the warmth and passion from his kiss. Although I was so saddened that this blissful moment had come to an end, I could not help but be excited for future encounters with this perfect man of my dreams. 

Yes- my affair on my husband is with, none other than, my husband. Lately I have found myself having vivid daydreams about things as they were and although I am thankful to have my husband present with me in the current moment, I still miss him in a number of ways that I would not even be able to detail on this blog. So I have began living for these moments, while letting each moment carry me on until the next one. 

I think Kanye West said it best:

"Last night I saw you in my dreams, now I can't wait to go to sleep because this life, it's all a dream. And my real life starts, when I go to sleep..."

Stay SAFE, Stay STRONG, Take CARE and Have HOPE!

Kelli

Discharge pictures and videos from Rehab!

Just wanted to share a couple of pictures and videos of Donte and his progress. These pictures and videos were taken on the Donte's day of discharge: May 15, 2013. There is a video of him walking up some stairs with the assistance of his physical therapist at Wake Medical Hospital, Heather. There are two videos of my parents practicing transfers from wheelchair to the bed during their family training. There are some photos of Donte and I with his physical therapist, Heather, his occupational therapist, Andrea, his recreational therapist, Portia and his case manager, Melissa. Together they were a team of individuals how lead and kept my husband on a road to greatness. They will never be able to fathom the appreciation I have for them because since Donte joined the rehab center, he has just excelled in his progression. In addition their are some photos of Donte and I attempting to walk up the stairs (please notice the ease with which his physical therapist assists him in comparison to the sheer worry on my face as I am assisting him). There are also a few photos of Donte's arrival at home..

I hope that you enjoy these! There will definitely be more videos to com as he continues to make gains.

Thank you for the love and support!
Stay SAFE, Stay STRONG, Take CARE and HAVE HOPE!
Kelli

Adjustments

I am not sure if this is common for TBI experiences, but I feel like I am in a bit of a time warp. Tomorrow, will mark a week since my husband's homecoming and, in many ways, I feel like this week has both sped and crawled by simultaneously. My family, by no means, has found a new "normal;" rather I feel like this week has been a blissful hysteria, to say the least. And, I only say blissful because I think regardless of what the current frustration is, above anything else, we are just overjoyed to have Donte home.

In the past week I have travelled with all of Donte's equipment (which is a BITCH...yes, I said it), I have traded in my cute purses and clutches for a diaper back equipped with everything I need should Donte have an accident, I have changed about 30-40 Diapers, I have gone from doctors appointments to appointments with the Veteran's Affairs Department, I have sprained my wrist, I have hurt my back, I have dealt with severe mood swings, I have had to administer and keep track of pretty intense medication, and I have done all of that WITHOUT giving up my stillettos (I was not giving up every part of me..).

People ask me all the time: "How are things going?" or "How are you and Donte doing?"

I never really know how to answer that because I don't really know what the people who ask want to hear. Do they want me to tell them that everything is good and that Donte is improving tremendously (which he is) and just leave it at that OR, do they want to hear about the struggle that it is to deal with this brain injury on a day to day basis, regardless of the gains that he makes daily or weekly?

Do they want to hear about how I have to get my day started an hour and a half earlier than I used to because my husband requires a morning dose of medicine that includes 5 pills, he requires me to dress him and change him, requires 2 people to assist him down the stairs, requires me to groom him and pack his bag for his day at the adult care facility that I have placed him in?

Do they want to hear about the 17 trips I have to make to the car and back because I have to bring Donte's foot braces, his two arm braces, his palm protector, his helmet, his bookbag for daycare, the arm rest for his wheelchair, and my diaper bag?

Do they want to hear about the struggle it is to disesemble and re-esemble a 35 lb. custom made wheelchair and lug it around in the trunk of your vehicle?

Do they want to hear about how practically every moment of every day has to be planned efficiently so that Donte is able to shower, get all of his medication, get any additional grooming (e.g., haircut, shaving, acne treatments) taken care of and still have enough time to relax, watch television and get to sleep at an appropriate time?

Do they want to hear about the fact that I am totally feeling like Rachel McAdams in the Time Traveler's Wife because my husband comes back to me during spur of the moment times? I would not say that Donte's personality was affected in that he has completely changed from who he was; I would say that the not so favorable aspects of his personality have been exaggerated. For example, Donte has a SHORT fuse now. I mean he always had a relatively short fuse, with me any way, but now, I would say his fuse is non-existant. It really does not take much to get him upset. And now, with his new found loss of a filter, anything and everything is liable to come out of his mouth when he is upset. I cannot count on all the fingers in the world how many times I have been called a bitch and an asshole in the past week; both very true statements, and there is no disputing that, but the word "bitch" was a word that Donte refused to use in the same sentence with my name, which makes it all the more hurtful when it is one of the first things to come out of his mouth now. In addition, Donte's need to have the last word in every conversation. Regardless of whether your story is entirely truthful down to the last detail, Donte will find a way to interject with something that you have paraphrased incorrectly or butchered all together. In most cases, this amuses me, but it can be just a little irritating at times. Donte's ability to remind has always been phenomenal and it is something that I have always cherished. That has stayed relatively the same since the injury, however, now that he struggles with organization, he cannot combine all of his reminders in to one category and say it all at once, so I usually end up with about 22 text messages or phone calls, with each one giving me one reminder. Over time, I imagine that will get better.

Do they want to hear about the struggle it is to get social security and disability benefits for a 26 year old OR how long of a process it has been with Veteran's Affairs? Do they want to hear about how many hours I spent on the phone trying to get appointments or have my husbands story heard?

I guess the shortest answer to the obscure question is that Donte and I are not okay, and I think at this point, we are okay with that. We have a long journey and although I wish that I could say that his homecoming was the "magic wand" we were missing to make all of our problems and tribulations disappear, that was most certainly not the case by any means. Donte and I are relearning each other, we are growing together, we are laughing and crying togeher and we are going to be doing this for a long time and it may very well be something that we are dealing with for the rest of our lives. But we will be okay, because I know that I am not settling for anything less than that. My husband survived a grave injury. And whenever I bring him around any doctor knowledgeable on the lobes that he injured they are avidly impressed with my husbands current state 4 months post trauma. That has GOT to mean something, people. I have said this before and will say it again: my husband has an innate ability to prove people wrong. And I have the innate ability to drag myself and anyone else that needs dragging through any storm, and I intend this situation to be no different.

Many woman believe their husbands are one in a million (and I am not saying their husbands aren't), but I now have statistical data that solidifies that my husband actually is one in a million. And I know in my heart that we are destined for greatness. Donte told me once that some of the greatest stories of success are spawned from the most horrible of tragedies. I believe now that when he said that to me, that was a message from God to me, and I heard every word.

Stay SAFE, Stay STRONG, Take CARE and Have HOPE!

Kelli

PS: stay tuned for future blogs because I am going to try to upload some pictures and a video from Donte's departure from the hospital.

Welcome Home!

Well, the day finally arrived..

It has been a excruciatingly long and grueling 4.5 months, but my husband is FINALLY back home. Honestly, all I can just be is thankful. Am I still nervous about the journey that lies ahead, the future bumps in the road, yes I am. But at the end of the day, atleast Donte and I still have a journey to travel on together. Our journey together could have ended on the early hours of January 26, 2013, but they didn't. Whatever hardships we have in the times that lay ahead, we have already over come the hardest of the hard (in my opinion) and we still never hit the worst of the worst (meaning death). And we will always be on this journey together, which is all that matters in the end.

I arrived with both of my parents at Wake Medical Trauma Hospital at 8:50 am. We stood in the hospital until 11:30. We met with his case manager, his physical therapist, his occupational therapist, his recreational therapist and his physicians assistant for some last minute trainings, bids of farewell and discharge instructions. Donte was prescribed about 11 medications to take daily; from what I am told only 3 are lifelong medications, which in my opinion is not that bad considering the injury he sustained and considering the fact that I, myself, am on 1 lifelong medication for anxiety.

As we loaded up the car and got Donte into the front seat, all he could do was smile from ear to ear because he was elated to be leaving the hospital after a nearly 1/2 year long stay. Donte stated that he wanted to eat at Dairy Queen and he ordered a chicken tender basket with a strawberry banana smoothie.

Once we got home we got him into the house and he ate his food and thoroughly enjoyed it. He took a little power nap for about 1/2 an hour and we were off to an appointment with the VA (Veteran's Affairs) Department. His appointment went well and left me hopeful that the military will cover the expenses to modify our home and make it handicap/wheelchair accessible. The meeting lasted an extremely long time and by the end of it all, both Donte and I were pooped, as were my parents. We drove home and picked up some dinner and had our first family meal together in four months in Donte and my bedroom. Donte seemed to really be relaxed and enjoyed himself. It took him absolutely no time at all to revisit social media through his electronic devices. By the time I had sat him on the couch and left him with my mother to run over to Target to pick up some necessary items, he had already liked all of my recent photos on Instagram, had updated his status and cover photo on Facebook and had commented on a couple of my posts on Facebook. His ability to work technology has definitely not changed at all, thankfully.

I can say honestly that manuvering Donte was not nearly as hard as I anticipated that it would be. Donte walked up the stairs with the assitance of my parents, he sat comfortably in the room and didn't complain of pain and he only needed to be changed once during the night- and from what I could tell, he slept the duration of the night. Administering his medication was not bad either. Most of them need to be administered 3 times daily, so I figure once in the morning, once at lunch and once at dinner. Those that need to be administered twice daily will get administered once in the morning and once in the evening and those that need to be administered once daily will get administered in the morning.

It felt really good to not sleep alone. And Donte held me for as long as he could. He may have changed a little bit, but the biggest fact that remains is that he still is the kindest and warmest individual I have ever met and he still has such a big heart. 

I am so excited to have him home. And I get more excited to see his level of excitement when he is at home.

In addition, one thing that is making the transition easier is the fact that Donte and I have so much love and support from areas that sometimes we are not even aware of. I made a post on Facebook about basic necessities that we would need to cover us until Donte's military benefits kicked into full gear and I have received SO MUCH positive feedback and generosity. It is beautiful to see God's love in so many people. And seeing the love and support from those around us truely keeps me strong during my weakest of moments. If you are someone who has helped, supported or loved us in any way- let me just take the time to thank YOU immensely. It is through faith, a lot of prayer, love and support that Donte and I have made it this far. All I ask is that you continue to do exactly what you are doing because it is helping in more ways than you can imagine in my husband's recovery.

Stay SAFE, Stay STRONG, Take CARE and have HOPE!

Kelli

Cold Feet

Have I ever mentioned that I am what people call a "type A" personality?
What does that mean, right?

Well- to say the least I like control. I like to manage every detail of me life. I cannot live without my planner. Spontaneity and Ambiguity scare me, as does the unknown. Basically, I like a schedule; a strict, detail, thoroughly thought out schedule. I also like answers. If I don't find an answer that satisfies me, I will go through the most grueling lengths to get one that does; I will research extensively, talk to professionals, attempt to conduct my own research experiment, etc. I have a logical mind; if A plus B does not equal C, my mind is perplexed. I cannot comprehend anything other than what makes sense (in my own mind).

That being said, this situation has been difficult for me in numerous facets. I mean aside from the fact that my husband shot himself and I bore witness to that, I was completely catapulted from my comfortable and carefully planned out life, to a life that was spun entirely out of control. I have definitely been off my element. Planning is a luxury with an injury of this capacity and it is the type of injury where surprises, both good and bad, are always close around the corner.

As Donte breaches his last day in the hospital (which is tomorrow, by the way), I find myself feeling overjoyed and overwhelmed simultaneously. It has certainly been a long 1/2 year and I have been longing to share a bed and even a meal with my husband, in our home. I am excited to no longer have to see him in a hospital gown or squeeze myself beside him in a hospital bed. I am excited to no longer have intimate moments be interrupted by a scheduled meal of the day, therapy or medicine dose from a nurse. I am excited to be able to give my husband the care that he needs (not to say that the hospital has not done a phenomenal job of caring for him, because they have, but there is nothing like a homecooked meal or getting a bath from someone who knows you and knows how to accomodate you best). Although I am feeling all of those wonderful feelings, I am also quite anxious over it. I have spent the past 1/2 year acclimating myself to being alone. I now sleep in the middle of the bed, I pay all of the bills on my own, I am now the sole provider, the sole driver, the sole manager of finances. Essentially, I suppose you can say on that forefront, I have the "Type A" personality ideal: I have full control. The point is that is not how I was used to things being. That was a "new normal" for me. That was a major adjustment. It has taken me until just recently to get used to my life as it was while Donte was in the hospital. Now, I have to re-adjust all over again; it is unsettling.

In addition, and I hate to admit this, Donte being in the hospital has allowed me to blanket myself with denial. Since I don't have to see him and care for him everyday, I just pretend that he is on a business trip or working late, rather than being admitted in the hospital with a GSW to the head experiencing severe deficits in planning, motor skills, organization, initiation, problem solving and executive functioning. With him coming home, I will have to begin to accept that this is real. This is really my life at 23 years old. That is an epic concept for me. My mind cannot process it because this is a situation where A plus B doesn't equal C. If A plus B equaled C, then that would mean Kelli plus Donte would equal a home in Charlotte, NC with both of us having phenomenal jobs, he and I trying and successfully beginning a family with three children, named Saydi, Jordyne and Javier and two dogs named Blue and Magenta (I told you I was thorough in planning). But A plus B equals Z in our present scenario; Z because this is the last possible situation that I could have ever imagined us to be in at this time.

I am so nervous to go into this next phase. And I hope we find, whatever our "new normal" is quickly. I am not sure how many times I can re-start before I lose my mind entirely. I keep praying that one day Donte just checks back in and is 100% coherent. He has his moments right now, and to most he may seem like he is there, but I can see through that. I knew my husband like my right hand and I have a keen eye to the changes. What would seem minimal to the average person interacting with him is magnified in my perception because I know his spirit and soul.

For the moment, thankfully things are slowly starting to arrange themselves. I found an Adult Day Care facility for Donte. I am hoping that this facility is temporary because I am hoping that Donte will improve to the point of "out growing" the facility. Initially, I thought I was going to have to pay out of pocket for the expenses, which was a hefty cost, to say the least. Recently, I have been informed that due to Donte's status as a Veteran, he will be covered 100% for 5 days a week (Praise God!). We will also be able to get counseling, free of charge and hopefully, the military will pay to have our home made to be handicap accessible as it is not currently (that is the current battle with the military).

Let me take the time to say this- and this is for anyone going through a similar sitation with a verteran or a soldier in any capacity:
The military can be helpful, but they are in no way forth coming with that help. They will attempt to make you jump through unnecessary hoops and some of the representatives will not be any help to you at all. DO NOT be afraid to be abbrasive, because you have to be. DO NOT be afraid to ask to speak to higher ups, DO NOT be afraid to light a fire, because if you light a fire, you will burn the world to ashes.

Stay STRONG, Stay SAFE, Take CARE and HAVE HOPE!
Kelli

Updated Pictures

I haven't posted any recent pictures of us lately and figured in an effort to catch up, it would probably be best. I think that if Donte can heal physically and mentally the way that he is healing cosmetically, we would be in phenomenal shape! The first picture, I am absolutely in love with.

Transitional Living Suite (TLS)

As promised, I advised that I would be playing catch up.

Donte has made some pretty significant gains since he first entered the rehab hospital. When he first entered the rehab hospital he was unable to assist with most of his movements, his tone was so severe that his left arm was bent at a 85 degree angle, he was able to talk, but he would only answer yes or no questions and was speaking in a very soft whisper. Donte still had his feeding tube in and was still on a restricted diet, where he was only allowed to eat soft solids. Donte was unable to hold his trunk balance and had very minimal awareness of his body. Donte is now doing most of his movements at a moderate assistance level (where he is doing 50% of the work) or a minimal assistance (where he is doing 75% of the work). Donte is still unable to walk, but he is definitely making gains that are assisting in the completion of that goal. Donte's tone has gone down such that the degree to which his left arm is bent is now at 35 degrees. Donte is now able to communicate more complex thoughts and feelings and follow more complex demands. He is still struggling with volume but he is a lot louder than a whisper and sometimes, if he gets really excited or frustrated, he can demonstrate the appropriate volume level for such a sentiment. Donte is on a diet with no restrictions and is able to order what he would like to eat daily with minimal assistance. His feeding tube was removed and he has put on a lot of weight since he came up to the rehab hosiptal. I am very proud of the gains my husband has made and how hard he continues to work each and every day. He is truly, the strongest person I know.

Not sure if I mentioned this, but Donte has gotten a relead date of May 15, 2013. We were so grateful when we received that tentative date because that gave us something to count down to. And I am not sure I ever mentioned this, but as a type A personality, I can tell you that I had already planned for Donte to come home by May 31, 2013 based on the average stay in the hospital with someone who sustains a severe TBI. I was happy to know that A) I was not too far off and B) that he would be coming home sooner than I anticipated. And I know it is no surprise that Donte is just about as elated as a kid in a candy store. He has been keeping the BEST count of the days he has left and never forgets to remind me as soon as I come into his room for my daily visit.

Since Donte's arrival is just around the corner, Donte's case manager has made the wonderful suggestion of us utilizing what is called the Transitional Living Suite or TLS. The TLS is an apartment styled space within the hospital that allows couples like Donte and I to get a taste for life outside of the hospital, while still having access to nursing and doctors should something happen. During our stay, we were responsible for his medication, washing clothing, toileting, showering, cooking and cleaning and transfering from wheelchair to bed or sofa.

I am not going to lie and say that this was not difficult, especially since last time I was in an "apartment setting" with Donte, he was able to do everything for himself. What I will say is that I had mentally prepared myself for the absolute worse, which kind of made things a bit easier. The hardest thing for us, was the transfer into the shower. We could not get a grip on the shower chair and we both got really frustrated. But, this is all part of the process. I am sure that similar to the way marriage is for everyone, we will have moments where we laugh together, moments where we cry together, and moments were we yell together. The point is, we are in this together, right?

And for those of you that know me on a personal level, know that I am not the "cooking" type in any facet. I want to let you know that I, Kelliann Miranda-Baltimore, made tacos AND my tacos, were good as hell. And Donte Miranda-Baltimore (my husband) ate the HELL out of those tacos. Now, whether he ate them like that because it was his first home cooked meal in a while and because he was sick and tired of hospital food...well we will never truly know that answer but, the point is he ate the tacos, he said they were good, and no one got sick. LOL.

We are scheduled to do another TLS stay this weekend as by this time next week, Donte will be at home. I will keep you guys posted on how that one goes, although I anticipate with one TLS stay under our belt, this one will be a breeze.

Donte has requested French Toast, lol- I will let you know how that one goes too.

Stay SAFE, Stay STRONG, Take CARE and Have HOPE!

Kelli

A Little Vulnerability

I haven't posted in a while because as a wife and a woman going through this hardship, I am struggling. I have debated whether being vulnerable in this manner was the best choice, but I really just need to express my sentiments as they are consuming me.

You have probably read this in a previous blog of mine and I can assure that you will read it again in the future, but when it comes to matters of the brain, you won't know it until your in it; that is to say, it is an unfathomable situation until its knocked at your doorstep.

It is hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that 4 months ago, the biggest worry that my husband and I had was whether we wanted to go to Myrtle Beach, SC to celebrate Valentines Day or whether we wanted to save that money and go all out for his 26th birthday on March 29, 2013. Never in my wildest dreams could I have ever realized back then that I was spending the last few months that I had with my husband, as I always knew him. I could have never imagined that I would have to make life or death decisions on medical choices that we had never even had time to discuss in our short 1.5 years of marriage. I could have never imagined that there would be a possibility that he would never walk or be able to hold me with both arms due to left side paralysis attributed to severe toning. I never could have imagined that I would lose a part of my husband that I would possibly never be able to attain again and that I would be forced to re-learn, re-understand and re-love him.

Don't mistake the above words for ungratefulness. I thank God every spare moment I have that my husband is still here with me. I thank God for all the things he has shown me that my husband still can do. I am so thankful that although my husband may not be able to use both arms to hug me, he makes sure to hug me extra tight and extra long with his one extremity to make up for the non-working one. I am so thankful that although my husband has some pretty radical personality changes, that I can still look at him and know exactly what he is feeling, when he is feeling it. I am so thankful that although I didn't have time to speak with him about the medical choices that I had to make when he was incapacitated, that he assures me that I clearly made the right choices since he is still here. Finally, I am thankful for the fact that I still have his irrevocable love and unfailing faith because above all that shows me that through all the changes his heart is still very much mine, which is more than many people have.

I am extremely and immensely grateful...
But I cannot help but get caught in dwelling on the fact that there are so many things that we as individuals take for granted in life. We all know that inevitably, we will reach "our time;" our time to leave this life and embrace the unknown, whatever that may be. And although we know and can speak the words, "No one is promised tomorrow," we still say that without having the realization of the severity, seriousness and magnitude of those words, that is, until we are catapulted into a predicament that jolts us into reality. This situation has given me such a new perspective on life, and I suppose my struggle is between my mind and my heart. This realization has taught my mind to be more cynical, more brutally realistic and yet, it has simultaneously taught my heart to be more hopeful and faith driven. I cannot get a grasp of my feelings and it is such a conflict for me. I don't know if I should grieve for losing a part of my husband or rejoice in him still being alive. And if I can do both, I don't know how to. What is too much grieving or too much rejoicing? Where is the balance?

When I look at my husband, I am overjoyed to have him infront of me, and to hear him talk to me; however, I cannot help but also think about the journey we have ahead and how we are currently travelling blindly on this journey. We don't know where we will end up, we don't know when or how we will begin to feel normal again, all we know is that the journey will be one of great length and difficulty. I suppose one could say that at any point during a given journey, one experiences great difficulty, but the difference here is we have a previous life to compare things to; a life of simplicity. A life with a little less ambuiguity. A life where a lot more things can be set in stone. I am envious of others who have that simplicity and I yern to have the ignorance of having such simplicity because no one who has simplicity ever realizes how much of a gift it is.

When couples walk in the park, they do so with ease, poise and grace; it is effortless.
I don't know that I will ever be able to walk beside my husband ever again.

When couples talk or dispute with each other, they can easily and effectively communicate their sentiments to their significant other and it is relatively easy for that person to understand what is trying to be communicated.
I don't know that we will ever have the level of communication and understanding that we once had.

When couples dance, they hold each other close, the male always leads with precision and coordination.
I have only ever danced with my husband once-
and I am not sure that he will ever have the precision, coordination or physical strength to lead me in a dance again.

When couples want an escape, they can pick up and leave on a spur of the moment getaway.
I am not sure that we will ever be able to engage in such sponteneity as every aspect of a vacation will need to be planned throughly.

I could literally go on forever with a list of things that were once things that I never thought twice about. As I stated before, I am so thankful that my husband is still with me. It just breaks my heart that we are only 23 and 26 years old and having to go through such a lifelong hardship.

I keep wishing that this is all just a very vivid and elaborate bad dream and that eventually, I will wake up and be beside my perfectly normal and coherent husband who will wake up from my jolt in bed and whisper in my ear that this was all a nightmare. So far, it hasn't happened.

I know I am usually completely positive...
I try to be.
But I figured that by allowing myself to demonstrate the darker moments of this journey (from my perspective), I would not only be able to get through them but also, I would be depicting the most true aspect of being connected to an individual who has sustained this type of injury. And it is just like I said in my first blog, my intent is to help others, like others have helped me.

Stay SAFE, Stay STRONG, Take CARE and Have HOPE..
Not every moment is going to be a glorious one. There will be points that are high, there will be points that will be low. Don't let anyone ever tell you how you should be feeling. You have every right to feel how you feel. If you are angry, BE ANGRY. If you are sad, BE SAD. Don't be afraid to break down. Don't be afraid to step away. Don't feel guilty for having alone time, YOU deserve it. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, never let anyone take away your miracle.

...And I promise, I will be posting more blogs soon to catch you all up on the progress.

Taco Tuesday!

Donte's diet got moved up to "regular" this week meaning that he has the green light to eat whatever he wants! Naturally, with being married to a Latina, he chose his first outside "regular" meal to be Spanish food! Haha! Here are some pictures of my little fatty indulging in his first meal on his regular diet!

Coming Around

I realized I hadn't posted in a few days and thought I would share some progression with those of you following. I am not sure if I ever mentioned this, but I am really not good with keeping up with blogs. I tried a make-up blog, I tried a weight loss blog and both of those efforts were futile because I never followed through with more than about 5 or 6 posts. I am really making a genuine effort here with this one because it isn't for me, it's for Donte. I always mean to write, but my life is so disheveled that sometimes I can't even remember to eat or wash my clothing.

You know, I remember when Donte came back from Iraq like it was yesterday. Initially we were so overwhelmed with love and happiness that we were finally united again, but after some time we began to realize that although our love for each other was the same, the long distance and the different experiences with the deployment distanced us a little bit because we both had a different perspective and had a hard time understanding the other persons perspective. Donte knew what it was like to be the one leaving and I knew what it was like to be the one left behind. It took us a while to realize that although we would never know exactly what the other person went through, the experiences were equally as hard, just in different ways. When Donte was in Iraq, he was risking his life, daily. He had to go out on hard missions, deal with small living quarters and was pretty much cut off from communication with a majority of his family members. I was left behind with memories of him, was always fearful of whether the next mission would be his last and I dealt with the loneliness of the love of my life not being at my disposal like he once was.

I think that the same thing applies in present situation, which is why I tell Donte that we are both fighting this fight together. Donte has to work hard through all of his therapies and has to deal the medications, the blood samples, the procedures, the cultures, the X-rays and being in the hospital all the time with out being able to make complete movements on his own. I cannot imagine the frustration he is dealing with and frankly I give him entirely more credit because if the shoe had been on the other foot, I am not sure that I would be able to keep my composure as he does; Donte always has been the calmer soul out of the two of us.

In turn, I have to handle the bills, I have to continue working when I want to be by his side, I am paying the hospital bills, I have to keep a strong face for everyone, I have to live in the house where the accident occurred, I have to sleep in the bed we once shared, I have to manage my life in order to be able to care for him adequately; need I remind everyone that we are only 26 and 23 years old? We are fighting a long and excruciating battle at a very young age, I keep telling myself that the biggest problems we should have are: when are we going to have kids? And where do we want to live?

And at one point our problems were even more trivial than that- but life has a funny way of pulling the rug from under you with no warning at all. I am not angered by my situation though, because moments like this have a way of deeply humbling you and making you realize what life is really meant for. This accident took a lot a way from us, but it also gave us a lot more. I could be a widow right now, many woman are. I could have a husband who is in a coma. I could have a husband with the cognitive abilities of a toddler. But I don't. I have a husband who smiles whenever he sees me and who tells me that I make him feel safe. I have a husband who thanks me for everything I do. I have a husband who waits until he believes I am sleeping to use his last little bit of energy to give me kisses on my cheek and forehead. I have a husband who can tell me about his day and how he is feeling. I have a husband who can hold my hand and hug me and who can wipe my tears away when I cry. Shoot, I have A HUSBAND. This event was one that is deeply unfortunate but this unfortunate event has shown me how lucky we are to have one and other, still.

And Donte continues to make gains. This week he went from a total assistance required (meaning he needs 100% assistance) to a moderate assistance required (meaning he needs 50% assistance) in his squat pivot from the bed to his wheelchair. Donte's feeding tube got removed, so he is FREE of all things that God did not give him and he got a tentative date of release: May 15, 2013! I hope that date holds true because it is so nice to have something tangible to count down to; that puts my type A, planning personality to ease. Donte is also no longer whispering. He has found his voice. It isn't exactly the "Donte" voice I remember, but I can hear him in there; plus I hear it takes up to a year to voices to gravitate to a level or normalcy.

Donte always use to ask me why he had such "bad luck." I always told him that he has bad luck in trivial things because when the big things come his way he ALWAYS gets lucky. Donte is the type of person to buy a winning lottery ticket and lose it, which is in lucky, but he is also the type of person who walks into his first interview for the job of his dreams, stutters and perspires through the whole interview and gets a job offer like an hour after interviewing. I used to say "Babe, you can't have it all. God makes gave you luck where it counts..."

He survived a gun shot wound to the right and left frontal lobes of his brain and is still cognitively coherent, with language fully intact and improving mobility...

I'd say that is luck where it counts,
Wouldn't you?


Stay safe, Stay strong, Take care and Have HOPE!

Kelli

Happy Birthday Baby!

Birthdays are always special- but to me, the magnitude of a birthday and it being a celebration of life changes it's level of importance. This year- Donte turned 26 and the day really did start off harder for me than I expected. I woke up really angry because of the situation that he was in; I was mad that he was in the hospital, I was mad that he had to spend a birthday in the hospital and I was flustered by the thought of what Donte and I would be doing on this day, had none of this ever happened.

Somewhere during the day- I got some level of peace because I thought to myself that although this day was a bad one, it could still be worse: Donte could be unresponsive or unable to talk, Donte could still be in ICU in a coma or a vegetative state or, worse, I could have been going to visit Donte at his grave. This all goes back to counting blessings. Although I struggled with my day, I didn't burden Donte with that because I wanted his day to be as happy as possible, which is was. Donte had therapy, he went on an outing with the other patients on his floor- he went to Dairy Queen and got a blizzard, Donte had an amazing dinner from my parents: steak, shrimp, sautéed vegetables, piña colada and rice pudding, and Donte had a surprise party with some of his nearest and dearest. He laughed and smiled more than I have seen him in weeks. It really warmed my heart to see him so happy and excited. Seeing all of his loved ones surround him made him put a lot into perspective for me in making me realize that this is one year of many years. We have all had a "shitty" birthday that we can remember but there is always a "phenomenal" birthday that can be remembered as well. Considering everything I did to make his day perfect, I would say he had a pretty great day, but as the year goes on and Donte progresses the joys in life like birthdays and vacations will get better.

Donte is a goal oriented man who has made a tremendous improvement since being admitted. The doctors have informed me that he has defied many odds and that his case is quite remarkable. They have advised of what they are hopeful for (i.e., they do believe he may walk again) and they have advised what they don't think will happen (i.e., they don't he will be able to return to work), but I take all of that will a grain of salt because at one point the doctors thought Donte would not survive the week. It is any man's guess what my husbands gains will be, but in truth, it is only God's decision. I believe in my husband even when others are not as hopeful and even when he himself is not hopeful, I believe in him enough for everyone because I know his strength and have seen his strength in numerous facets. Donte LOVES and THRIVES off of proving people wrong and surprising them. God does things with a purpose and whatever his reason for keeping Donte here, the point is that Donte is here and he has a destiny to fulfill. If Donte never walks again- then fine, he still is very much aware cognitively and there are many many great things that have been done by those with physical deficits (i.e., someone gave me a good example with Steven Hawkings, thought to be the most intelligent man and physicist in the world but has paralysis from the neck down). Donte will still be able to do so much and I cannot wait to see his gains in the coming weeks because I am confident that he will realize how far he has come.

On that positive note, I will leave you with some pictures of the party!

Stay safe, Stay strong, Take care and Have HOPE!

Kelli

Counting Blessings (A blog of my thoughts)

I have always considered myself a blessed person. I have two healthy parents who are absolutely crazy about each other, I am an only child and have always been spoiled beyond belief, I have always been the type of person who is surrounded by positive and caring friends who would do anything to support me, and I have the most amazing husband in the entire world who loves me for me. I have definitely seen some hard times and times of struggle, but all in all, I feel like my life has been wonderful thus far.

In the past 8 weeks of my life, so many things have changed. To name just a few, I am now the sole provider for my family, a "date night" for my husband and I now consists of me going to his hospital room and cuddling until we fall asleep, I have become very knowledgeable on matters of the brain and over all health, and I rarely have a moment of true relaxation. Donte and I once valued and prioritized in a certain way, and although at the time, the things we valued were of great importance, now we are understanding what truly matters; life has a funny way of using certain situations to clearly allow you to differentiate "wants" and "needs."  

As many things that have changed in my life, there is a lot that hasn't changed at all. My parents are still crazy about each other, my friends are still positive and would still do any and everything to demonstrate their love and support and I still have the most amazing husband in the world who loves me for me. Most importantly, even through this horrible situation, I still feel extremely blessed.

My husband is an amazing man and he is the strongest being that I have ever met in my entire life. I love him irrevocably and this situation has truly shown me the strength of our love and the importance of the vows that we made to each other on our wedding day. My husband and I were blessed when we met in 2007- because we were able to find love in its purest and truest form at the ages 18 and 20. There are some people who go their entire lives without finding love, there are people who die in pursuit of love. When things were a little more unknown with his medical stability and condition, I told my mother that as much as I want Donte to live, if he doesn't, I would not hold any hostility towards God or towards Donte because at the end of the day, I had found the love of my life and was able to spend a half decade with him by my side making memories filled with love and laughter. I told my mother that for that simple fact I was extremely blessed. Now that I know that Donte is in a wonderful medical position and now that I know he is progressing beautifully, I feel even more blessed because as lucky as we were to find love in each other the first time, we are even more blessed that God has allowed us a second chance at life and love again. I can firmly say that through the pain and tears that this situation has caused, my husband and I are falling in love with one and other all over again.

Sometimes in the darkest of tragedies, one finds the most blessings..
(Donte actually said that to me once..)

(Quick Donte Update: Rehab is going well- Donte is working hard and is a patient and pleasant individual to work with. His team of doctors, nurses, and therapists met today to discuss his progress. They have concluded that they expect Donte's stay to be between 4-6 weeks long, so by using that length of time, I have configured that Donte's discharge date will either be on April 17, 2013 OR May 1, 2013. He is getting his "tent" bed removed because he has been quite vocal in letting those around him know that he feels like a "caged dog in a kennel." In addition he has been able to eat 50% or more in all of his meals since he came to Rehab and has been taking his medication orally, crushed up in applesauce so they are looking to remove the feeding tube as soon as possible. Donte still requires maximum assistance on a majority of his movements but his therapists are saying that they are feeling more of his efforts to assist in every day movements and balancing.)

Day 1 in Rehab

Well, Donte has officially survived his first day as a Rehab Hospital patient. Let me preface by saying that he moved down to Rehab yesterday and when I saw him during my lunch hour, before he moved to his new room, he told me that he was nervous to go to Rehab. Donte just advising that he was nervous set me into a state of anxiousness myself. I wondered if he was REALLY ready and I wondered how well he would do. I was calling the hospital every hour on the hour just to insure that he was acclimating to his environment well. And to my surprise, he was. All night the nurses said he was patient and cooperative. He was calm and spent the night watching basketball.

Today, when I saw him, it was after work, I thought to go during lunch, but opted out of that because I didn't want to excite or overwhelm him on his first day with new therapist and a full load of Rehabilitation. When I finally saw Donte he was having dinner in a dining room with other Rehab patients and he was laughing and engaged. When he saw me he smiled, waved and blew me a kiss. I told him not to rush dinner and that I would be waiting for him in his new room. When he came into his room, he told me he had a good day, he showed me his schedule and told me how hard his schedule was. He told me he stretched in PT (Physical Therapy) for and hour, he told me he assisted in grooming and dressing in OT (Occupational Therapy) for another hour and then her worked on a louder voice in Speech Therapy. Donte told me he was tired.

I was so impressed with how talkative he was today and I did not have to prompt him as much for information. He even told me that he made friends at dinner. He remembered his friends names. Then he even asked me about my day.

But that is not even the BEST part! Donte caught me mid sentence and whispered "I can move my left leg now..."

I thought I heard him wrong but then he moved his left leg; he lifted it up in the air and then put it back down. When I asked him to do it again he did it immediately on command! He has not been able to do that consistently. He says it came back to him this morning. I cried like a small child because him moving that leg just made its possible for my husband to not only regain movement in his left arm, but also to walk out of this hospital. Although his left leg movement is significantly weaker than the right, it is still movement and If you have ever dealt with a TBI on any capacity, you will quickly understand that any movement is a miracle and means the world.

The moral of the story is that his brain is still healing and the progression is still coming. If this first day is an indication of what his whole stay will be like, then we should expect nothing but great things from my miracle of a husband, Donte Miranda-Baltimore.

Stay strong, Stay safe, Take care, and Have HOPE!

Kelli

The "Tent Bed" Situation

It is very common with TBI's for the survivor to begin to become more aggressive as they become more aware. It is also common for the survivor to become more focused on their more primitive needs (i.e., eating, using the restroom, sometimes even sexual needs as well).

Donte has certainly come a long way in recovery over the past 6 weeks on the Acute Neuro floor, however over the past two weeks, Donte's primary area of fixation has become escaping the hospital. Realistically, he is fully aware of his current physical deficits; he KNOWS that he can not stand or walk on his own and he KNOWS that he has very minimal range of motion (if any) on the left side of his body. However, that does not stop him from making numerous attempts to flee the hospital.

The restraining issue began a few weeks back when Donte still had his trach tube in place. Donte kept touching it because he wanted it removed. That resulted in a mitten being placed on his idle right hand. Donte then figured out that he could reach his right hand to his mouth and remove the mitten. After numerous nurses going into his room bewildered by the fact that the once secured mitten was now floor bound in his room, the mitten was removed for a period of time. In this time Donte figured out that he could reach his right arm over the bed railing and take the railing down enough so that his right leg could hang off the bed. When a nurse found him doing this she asked him why he was doing that and he voiced that he was "trying to escape." That resulted in Donte getting extra bed guards. The bed guards were large, padded and Carolina blue and were wedged in front of and secured behind the actual bed railings to obstruct Donte from pulling down the railing. Donte advised that he "felt like a lab rat." He figured out a way to remove the side bed guards and learned that he could use his right hand to push the button on the side of his bed to lift the side of the bed that his torso tested on far enough so that he could attempt to reach the bottom guards. My mother found him contorted like a pretzel one day while he was attempting to unhinge the bottom guard. After a few attempts of him pulling off the guards, the nursing unit ordered a "tent" bed. This is a bed that is inside of a box with mesh on it and is securable from the outside only. Donte hates this bed and advised that he feels like a "dog in a kennel." Unfortunately for his safety, he will be going to rehab with this contraption. Although I hate to see him in such an uncomfortable situation, I am happy that he is cognitively aware enough to be able to plot an escape and get through two out of three obstructions that the nurses threw at him. Below are some pictures of the mitten and the bed that he is currently in.

Stay safe, Stay strong, Take care and Have HOPE!

Kelli

They tried to make him go to Rehab- YES YES YES!

Well, less than an hour ago, I received the official word that my husband would be leaving the Acute Neuro Unit and heading to the Rehabilitation Hospital this upcoming Wednesday March 20, 2013! Although it feels like it has been an eternity since the accident occurred, it has realistically only been seven weeks and two days. I am so happy that I will be able to finally sigh a little relief as I rejoice in this being my husbands "last step" before coming home and attempting to resume life. Evidently in Rehab, they will formulate their own schedule for Donte (the same way they did in Neuro) and will essentially have him on a countdown system. As of yet he has only stood up with a machine assisting him for 10 minutes while maintaining good vitals. From what the doctors are noting there is a lot less muscle tone in the upper left extremity and since the Botox there has been (very minimal) range of motion and movement in that extremity, which is fantastic! Donte is also able to assist in turning now that he has built up some strength in his upper right extremity. Donte is moving his lower right extremity on command and was able to assist with a chair pivot to the bed with one of the nurses. I have also seen some movement in the lower left extremity myself but I try not to get too excited until someone confirms that the movement is seemingly purposeful because it could still just be muscle tone. Although Donte has not made any strides (no pun intended) to walk, he has voiced to me and several nurses on the Neuro Unit that his goal was to walk by Friday March 22, 2013! I will keep you posted on that! I hope to God that he is able to make that goal come true! Other than that, we are still doing good with the solid foods, his little stomach bug seems to be over and done with and they confirmed through a CT scan that there was nothing unusual in his stomach area, and Donte is still talking in a strong whisper- although speech will be working on some tactics to make his voice come through. All seems to be going well and I am so excited for this! I feel extremely lucky to have my husband alive, stable and fighting hard.

Stay strong, Stay safe, Take care and Have HOPE!

Kelli

Step Back..

Well, as can be expected with injuries of my husbands caliber, there is a minor set back. Of course I am hopeful that this is something that he will overcome, it is just so hard to see my husband in a stage like this.

Donte has roughly a week before he is scheduled to go to the rehabilitation hospital and although I hope that we stick with this schedule, I am fearful that his stay on the acute Neuro floor maybe extended.

In my last blog, Donte had just moved up in his diet and was now on soft solids. During his weekly report, I was told there was even talk about the feeding tube being removed. I was elated to hear that because the feeding tube is all that is left for him being completely free of anything other than what God gave him. Unfortunately this may be delayed as well. Donte did wonderfully on Monday and Tuesday of this week, but on Wednesday Donte began throwing up everything he ate. He did not eat more than 50% of any of his meals and was put back on tube feelings. The doctor ordered that an X-ray be taken of his stomach to see if there were any abnormalities an thankfully there were none. The only thing of concerned is that Donte has some built up bowels in his intestines (which is what they believe may be causing the vomiting). They are giving him medication for nausea and in addition are administering enemas to induce bowel movements. Today (Thursday) is better, I feel because he only through up once and was able to eat 50% of breakfast. Thy have now ordered a test of his urine to see if there is any bacteria anywhere. As Donte is only complaining of stomach pains and has no fever or pain anywhere else, everyone is assuming that constipation is the most likely culprit.

As a wife it is just really hard to not have a definitive answer as to what is going on. And being that I don't have an solid answer, it leads my mind to run through the worst possible scenario. I am making sure he rests as much as possible and am making him drink a lot of fluids. Hopefully in the days coming that will go away.

Please keep him in your prayers. Situations like this show me that we are not entirely out of the woods.

Stay strong, Stay safe, Take care and Have HOPE!

Kelli

First Non-puréed Meal: Sheer Enjoyment

Donte enjoying his first non-puréed breakfast. He had an omelette, a sausage patty, a biscuit, some chunky grits and mango apple sauce. It's so wonderful to see him so happy.