Cold Feet

Have I ever mentioned that I am what people call a "type A" personality?
What does that mean, right?

Well- to say the least I like control. I like to manage every detail of me life. I cannot live without my planner. Spontaneity and Ambiguity scare me, as does the unknown. Basically, I like a schedule; a strict, detail, thoroughly thought out schedule. I also like answers. If I don't find an answer that satisfies me, I will go through the most grueling lengths to get one that does; I will research extensively, talk to professionals, attempt to conduct my own research experiment, etc. I have a logical mind; if A plus B does not equal C, my mind is perplexed. I cannot comprehend anything other than what makes sense (in my own mind).

That being said, this situation has been difficult for me in numerous facets. I mean aside from the fact that my husband shot himself and I bore witness to that, I was completely catapulted from my comfortable and carefully planned out life, to a life that was spun entirely out of control. I have definitely been off my element. Planning is a luxury with an injury of this capacity and it is the type of injury where surprises, both good and bad, are always close around the corner.

As Donte breaches his last day in the hospital (which is tomorrow, by the way), I find myself feeling overjoyed and overwhelmed simultaneously. It has certainly been a long 1/2 year and I have been longing to share a bed and even a meal with my husband, in our home. I am excited to no longer have to see him in a hospital gown or squeeze myself beside him in a hospital bed. I am excited to no longer have intimate moments be interrupted by a scheduled meal of the day, therapy or medicine dose from a nurse. I am excited to be able to give my husband the care that he needs (not to say that the hospital has not done a phenomenal job of caring for him, because they have, but there is nothing like a homecooked meal or getting a bath from someone who knows you and knows how to accomodate you best). Although I am feeling all of those wonderful feelings, I am also quite anxious over it. I have spent the past 1/2 year acclimating myself to being alone. I now sleep in the middle of the bed, I pay all of the bills on my own, I am now the sole provider, the sole driver, the sole manager of finances. Essentially, I suppose you can say on that forefront, I have the "Type A" personality ideal: I have full control. The point is that is not how I was used to things being. That was a "new normal" for me. That was a major adjustment. It has taken me until just recently to get used to my life as it was while Donte was in the hospital. Now, I have to re-adjust all over again; it is unsettling.

In addition, and I hate to admit this, Donte being in the hospital has allowed me to blanket myself with denial. Since I don't have to see him and care for him everyday, I just pretend that he is on a business trip or working late, rather than being admitted in the hospital with a GSW to the head experiencing severe deficits in planning, motor skills, organization, initiation, problem solving and executive functioning. With him coming home, I will have to begin to accept that this is real. This is really my life at 23 years old. That is an epic concept for me. My mind cannot process it because this is a situation where A plus B doesn't equal C. If A plus B equaled C, then that would mean Kelli plus Donte would equal a home in Charlotte, NC with both of us having phenomenal jobs, he and I trying and successfully beginning a family with three children, named Saydi, Jordyne and Javier and two dogs named Blue and Magenta (I told you I was thorough in planning). But A plus B equals Z in our present scenario; Z because this is the last possible situation that I could have ever imagined us to be in at this time.

I am so nervous to go into this next phase. And I hope we find, whatever our "new normal" is quickly. I am not sure how many times I can re-start before I lose my mind entirely. I keep praying that one day Donte just checks back in and is 100% coherent. He has his moments right now, and to most he may seem like he is there, but I can see through that. I knew my husband like my right hand and I have a keen eye to the changes. What would seem minimal to the average person interacting with him is magnified in my perception because I know his spirit and soul.

For the moment, thankfully things are slowly starting to arrange themselves. I found an Adult Day Care facility for Donte. I am hoping that this facility is temporary because I am hoping that Donte will improve to the point of "out growing" the facility. Initially, I thought I was going to have to pay out of pocket for the expenses, which was a hefty cost, to say the least. Recently, I have been informed that due to Donte's status as a Veteran, he will be covered 100% for 5 days a week (Praise God!). We will also be able to get counseling, free of charge and hopefully, the military will pay to have our home made to be handicap accessible as it is not currently (that is the current battle with the military).

Let me take the time to say this- and this is for anyone going through a similar sitation with a verteran or a soldier in any capacity:
The military can be helpful, but they are in no way forth coming with that help. They will attempt to make you jump through unnecessary hoops and some of the representatives will not be any help to you at all. DO NOT be afraid to be abbrasive, because you have to be. DO NOT be afraid to ask to speak to higher ups, DO NOT be afraid to light a fire, because if you light a fire, you will burn the world to ashes.

Stay STRONG, Stay SAFE, Take CARE and HAVE HOPE!
Kelli