I haven't posted in a while because as a wife and a woman going through this hardship, I am struggling. I have debated whether being vulnerable in this manner was the best choice, but I really just need to express my sentiments as they are consuming me.
You have probably read this in a previous blog of mine and I can assure that you will read it again in the future, but when it comes to matters of the brain, you won't know it until your in it; that is to say, it is an unfathomable situation until its knocked at your doorstep.
It is hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that 4 months ago, the biggest worry that my husband and I had was whether we wanted to go to Myrtle Beach, SC to celebrate Valentines Day or whether we wanted to save that money and go all out for his 26th birthday on March 29, 2013. Never in my wildest dreams could I have ever realized back then that I was spending the last few months that I had with my husband, as I always knew him. I could have never imagined that I would have to make life or death decisions on medical choices that we had never even had time to discuss in our short 1.5 years of marriage. I could have never imagined that there would be a possibility that he would never walk or be able to hold me with both arms due to left side paralysis attributed to severe toning. I never could have imagined that I would lose a part of my husband that I would possibly never be able to attain again and that I would be forced to re-learn, re-understand and re-love him.
Don't mistake the above words for ungratefulness. I thank God every spare moment I have that my husband is still here with me. I thank God for all the things he has shown me that my husband still can do. I am so thankful that although my husband may not be able to use both arms to hug me, he makes sure to hug me extra tight and extra long with his one extremity to make up for the non-working one. I am so thankful that although my husband has some pretty radical personality changes, that I can still look at him and know exactly what he is feeling, when he is feeling it. I am so thankful that although I didn't have time to speak with him about the medical choices that I had to make when he was incapacitated, that he assures me that I clearly made the right choices since he is still here. Finally, I am thankful for the fact that I still have his irrevocable love and unfailing faith because above all that shows me that through all the changes his heart is still very much mine, which is more than many people have.
I am extremely and immensely grateful...
But I cannot help but get caught in dwelling on the fact that there are so many things that we as individuals take for granted in life. We all know that inevitably, we will reach "our time;" our time to leave this life and embrace the unknown, whatever that may be. And although we know and can speak the words, "No one is promised tomorrow," we still say that without having the realization of the severity, seriousness and magnitude of those words, that is, until we are catapulted into a predicament that jolts us into reality. This situation has given me such a new perspective on life, and I suppose my struggle is between my mind and my heart. This realization has taught my mind to be more cynical, more brutally realistic and yet, it has simultaneously taught my heart to be more hopeful and faith driven. I cannot get a grasp of my feelings and it is such a conflict for me. I don't know if I should grieve for losing a part of my husband or rejoice in him still being alive. And if I can do both, I don't know how to. What is too much grieving or too much rejoicing? Where is the balance?
When I look at my husband, I am overjoyed to have him infront of me, and to hear him talk to me; however, I cannot help but also think about the journey we have ahead and how we are currently travelling blindly on this journey. We don't know where we will end up, we don't know when or how we will begin to feel normal again, all we know is that the journey will be one of great length and difficulty. I suppose one could say that at any point during a given journey, one experiences great difficulty, but the difference here is we have a previous life to compare things to; a life of simplicity. A life with a little less ambuiguity. A life where a lot more things can be set in stone. I am envious of others who have that simplicity and I yern to have the ignorance of having such simplicity because no one who has simplicity ever realizes how much of a gift it is.
When couples walk in the park, they do so with ease, poise and grace; it is effortless.
I don't know that I will ever be able to walk beside my husband ever again.
When couples talk or dispute with each other, they can easily and effectively communicate their sentiments to their significant other and it is relatively easy for that person to understand what is trying to be communicated.
I don't know that we will ever have the level of communication and understanding that we once had.
When couples dance, they hold each other close, the male always leads with precision and coordination.
I have only ever danced with my husband once-
and I am not sure that he will ever have the precision, coordination or physical strength to lead me in a dance again.
When couples want an escape, they can pick up and leave on a spur of the moment getaway.
I am not sure that we will ever be able to engage in such sponteneity as every aspect of a vacation will need to be planned throughly.
I could literally go on forever with a list of things that were once things that I never thought twice about. As I stated before, I am so thankful that my husband is still with me. It just breaks my heart that we are only 23 and 26 years old and having to go through such a lifelong hardship.
I keep wishing that this is all just a very vivid and elaborate bad dream and that eventually, I will wake up and be beside my perfectly normal and coherent husband who will wake up from my jolt in bed and whisper in my ear that this was all a nightmare. So far, it hasn't happened.
I know I am usually completely positive...
I try to be.
But I figured that by allowing myself to demonstrate the darker moments of this journey (from my perspective), I would not only be able to get through them but also, I would be depicting the most true aspect of being connected to an individual who has sustained this type of injury. And it is just like I said in my first blog, my intent is to help others, like others have helped me.
Stay SAFE, Stay STRONG, Take CARE and Have HOPE..
Not every moment is going to be a glorious one. There will be points that are high, there will be points that will be low. Don't let anyone ever tell you how you should be feeling. You have every right to feel how you feel. If you are angry, BE ANGRY. If you are sad, BE SAD. Don't be afraid to break down. Don't be afraid to step away. Don't feel guilty for having alone time, YOU deserve it. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, never let anyone take away your miracle.
...And I promise, I will be posting more blogs soon to catch you all up on the progress.
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