The Dreamer

What I am about to say may come as a shock to many of you...

So rather than embellishing the statement with poetic words, I am going to say this rather bluntly:

I am having an affair with my husband.

Yes, Yes, Yes, I am.

Pick your jaws up, I am human. 

And as much as I would love to say that I am remorseful, 

I am not, actually. 

On the contrary, I rather enjoy my rendezvous with my lover. 

I have known my lover for a long time. He has been a close friend of mine for nearly 6 years. Despite the length of time we have known each other, this affair has began only recently. And we rarely have time to meet as my life is on such a tight schedule. I am not sure what his life is like whenever he isn't around me and I try not to question him because when he is around me, I feel whole. I feel complete. And when he is around, nothing matters but the fact that we are together and for the moment, there is absolutely nothing wrong in my world. I think I am falling in love with this man.

Many of you are probably asking yourselves how I manage to find the time to engage in such adulterous activity; believe me, it isn't easy, but it is so worth it. We seldom have time to plan out when we are going to meet and although I am a self proclaimed "Type A" personality, I love that I am surprised by our encounters because I have learned to embrace the spontaneity. 

Our first encounter was one that was beautiful--it was on Memorial Day. I had spent the day tending to Donte (i.e., changing his diapers, getting him dressed, feeding him, making sure he was comfortable, cleaning our room, and washing clothing) and catching up on work. Donte had just fallen asleep and I had just closed my work laptop and set it on my dresser. I came to my bed and threw myself on the mattress with physical and mental exhaustion.

Then I closed my eyes...

And there he was in bed with me.

I looked at him intently as if to collect a mental picture; to memorize as much as I could so that I could have something seemingly tangible to hold on to until our next encounter. 

His skin was so soft and of medium brown complexion. Absolutely gorgeous. His eyes were nearly black in color and mysteriously honest;with them, he could look at you and tell you everything and nothing at the all at once. His eyelashes were so long and beautiful as they laced together each time he blinked. Typically he wears his glasses (he has quite possibly the worst vision known to man), but this time he had contacts in, which I loved because our gaze wasn't intercepted by a wall of glass and plastic. His bone structure was flawless; I think he might have modeled in a past life. His lips were perfect match to mine; they were soft and gentle. He didn't have the straightest teeth, but his smile alone was the sunrise in my dark world. He was a breath of the freshest air I had tasted since January 26th. He is rather slender, but muscular; 5'9" and 140 lbs soaking wet. He is very well dressed and loves to keep himself up. He was clean cut and shaved and everything down to the shoe laces on his outfit matched immaculately.  

We just laid side by side, facing one and other. His stare just as intent as mine. He took his left hand and grabbed my right hand and took his right hand and caressed my cheek. His hand was so warm and although his caress was as light as a feather to my cheek, I felt the depth behind his touch. He missed me; I am not sure where he goes when we aren't around each other, but wherever he finds himself during our times apart, he mutually misses me, as I do him. As he completed the stroke of my cheek with his right hand, he said "Hey honey.."

It had seemed like ages since I had heard him utter a word and I was surprised to hear the simultaneous depth and softness to his voice. His voice was so much more vivid then what I had remembered it to be. I hesitated to respond because I was so amazed by the beauty in his articulation of those three syllables. It was truly musical to hear him..the real him. The him that I had known 6 years prior. And all he simply said was "hey honey.." As if nothing in my life had changed that drastically. I love that about our encounters because it makes me feel so normal; normalcy has been a craving of mine for some time now. 

I whispered, "hey..." in return.

Suddenly I was overcome with emotion. I was in awe of his presence and captivated by the momentary perfection of my life. I attempted to hold back the tears but they gushed down my face like an overflowing dam. Each tear was the weight of the world and as I looked at him, I could tell instantaneously that each tear that I shed pierced him like a bullet. 

"I'm sorry Kelli..." he whispered as he used his right hand to gently wipe my tears. "you are strong..." he continued "please don't give up hope.."

He has always been the most hopeful person I know. I am not sure if I ever told him, but I envy that of him. For as long as I have known him, he has always had such a belief in life itself. I always called him my "dreamer" and he always called me his "realist."

"I know, but it's so hard," I responded softly, while nearly choking on my tears. "I feel so alone..."

Suddenly he sat up, still holding my left hand and pulled me up to face him. We both stared at each other intently again. Our gaze was a gaze that went beyond this universe. He is the only man who could look into my eyes and see my soul and I, in turn, could see his. 

He picked up both of his hands and pressed them on my face and brought our foreheads together, as if he were trying to send me every bit of strength pulsating through his body.

"you are not alone Kelli..." he whispered, "I am always with you..."

He pressed his velvet soft lips against mine passionately, as if he were trying to pierce my soul with the depth of his single kiss. 

I missed his kiss so much. I let out a sigh of ecstasy and muttered his name "Donte.."

And as we pulled away from one and other I opened my eyes to stare back into the mysteriously honest, near black colored eyes of my lover and, to my surprise, there was no one there. Suddenly, I was back in bed, alone and everything was as it was when I left for my rendezvous. My face was still moist from the tears I had shed with my lover and as I grazed my lips with my right hand, I could still feel the warmth and passion from his kiss. Although I was so saddened that this blissful moment had come to an end, I could not help but be excited for future encounters with this perfect man of my dreams. 

Yes- my affair on my husband is with, none other than, my husband. Lately I have found myself having vivid daydreams about things as they were and although I am thankful to have my husband present with me in the current moment, I still miss him in a number of ways that I would not even be able to detail on this blog. So I have began living for these moments, while letting each moment carry me on until the next one. 

I think Kanye West said it best:

"Last night I saw you in my dreams, now I can't wait to go to sleep because this life, it's all a dream. And my real life starts, when I go to sleep..."

Stay SAFE, Stay STRONG, Take CARE and Have HOPE!

Kelli