I am not sure if this is common for TBI experiences, but I feel like I am in a bit of a time warp. Tomorrow, will mark a week since my husband's homecoming and, in many ways, I feel like this week has both sped and crawled by simultaneously. My family, by no means, has found a new "normal;" rather I feel like this week has been a blissful hysteria, to say the least. And, I only say blissful because I think regardless of what the current frustration is, above anything else, we are just overjoyed to have Donte home.
In the past week I have travelled with all of Donte's equipment (which is a BITCH...yes, I said it), I have traded in my cute purses and clutches for a diaper back equipped with everything I need should Donte have an accident, I have changed about 30-40 Diapers, I have gone from doctors appointments to appointments with the Veteran's Affairs Department, I have sprained my wrist, I have hurt my back, I have dealt with severe mood swings, I have had to administer and keep track of pretty intense medication, and I have done all of that WITHOUT giving up my stillettos (I was not giving up every part of me..).
People ask me all the time: "How are things going?" or "How are you and Donte doing?"
I never really know how to answer that because I don't really know what the people who ask want to hear. Do they want me to tell them that everything is good and that Donte is improving tremendously (which he is) and just leave it at that OR, do they want to hear about the struggle that it is to deal with this brain injury on a day to day basis, regardless of the gains that he makes daily or weekly?
Do they want to hear about how I have to get my day started an hour and a half earlier than I used to because my husband requires a morning dose of medicine that includes 5 pills, he requires me to dress him and change him, requires 2 people to assist him down the stairs, requires me to groom him and pack his bag for his day at the adult care facility that I have placed him in?
Do they want to hear about the 17 trips I have to make to the car and back because I have to bring Donte's foot braces, his two arm braces, his palm protector, his helmet, his bookbag for daycare, the arm rest for his wheelchair, and my diaper bag?
Do they want to hear about the struggle it is to disesemble and re-esemble a 35 lb. custom made wheelchair and lug it around in the trunk of your vehicle?
Do they want to hear about how practically every moment of every day has to be planned efficiently so that Donte is able to shower, get all of his medication, get any additional grooming (e.g., haircut, shaving, acne treatments) taken care of and still have enough time to relax, watch television and get to sleep at an appropriate time?
Do they want to hear about the fact that I am totally feeling like Rachel McAdams in the Time Traveler's Wife because my husband comes back to me during spur of the moment times? I would not say that Donte's personality was affected in that he has completely changed from who he was; I would say that the not so favorable aspects of his personality have been exaggerated. For example, Donte has a SHORT fuse now. I mean he always had a relatively short fuse, with me any way, but now, I would say his fuse is non-existant. It really does not take much to get him upset. And now, with his new found loss of a filter, anything and everything is liable to come out of his mouth when he is upset. I cannot count on all the fingers in the world how many times I have been called a bitch and an asshole in the past week; both very true statements, and there is no disputing that, but the word "bitch" was a word that Donte refused to use in the same sentence with my name, which makes it all the more hurtful when it is one of the first things to come out of his mouth now. In addition, Donte's need to have the last word in every conversation. Regardless of whether your story is entirely truthful down to the last detail, Donte will find a way to interject with something that you have paraphrased incorrectly or butchered all together. In most cases, this amuses me, but it can be just a little irritating at times. Donte's ability to remind has always been phenomenal and it is something that I have always cherished. That has stayed relatively the same since the injury, however, now that he struggles with organization, he cannot combine all of his reminders in to one category and say it all at once, so I usually end up with about 22 text messages or phone calls, with each one giving me one reminder. Over time, I imagine that will get better.
Do they want to hear about the struggle it is to get social security and disability benefits for a 26 year old OR how long of a process it has been with Veteran's Affairs? Do they want to hear about how many hours I spent on the phone trying to get appointments or have my husbands story heard?
I guess the shortest answer to the obscure question is that Donte and I are not okay, and I think at this point, we are okay with that. We have a long journey and although I wish that I could say that his homecoming was the "magic wand" we were missing to make all of our problems and tribulations disappear, that was most certainly not the case by any means. Donte and I are relearning each other, we are growing together, we are laughing and crying togeher and we are going to be doing this for a long time and it may very well be something that we are dealing with for the rest of our lives. But we will be okay, because I know that I am not settling for anything less than that. My husband survived a grave injury. And whenever I bring him around any doctor knowledgeable on the lobes that he injured they are avidly impressed with my husbands current state 4 months post trauma. That has GOT to mean something, people. I have said this before and will say it again: my husband has an innate ability to prove people wrong. And I have the innate ability to drag myself and anyone else that needs dragging through any storm, and I intend this situation to be no different.
Many woman believe their husbands are one in a million (and I am not saying their husbands aren't), but I now have statistical data that solidifies that my husband actually is one in a million. And I know in my heart that we are destined for greatness. Donte told me once that some of the greatest stories of success are spawned from the most horrible of tragedies. I believe now that when he said that to me, that was a message from God to me, and I heard every word.
Stay SAFE, Stay STRONG, Take CARE and Have HOPE!
Kelli
PS: stay tuned for future blogs because I am going to try to upload some pictures and a video from Donte's departure from the hospital.
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